Jay Cutler the GOAT -

When you think of your ideal NFL quarterbacks to idolize and model your life after, what comes to mind for the common man? Many would probably adhere to the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, right? Setting numerous NFL records, winning Super Bowls, have a beautiful, loving wife with several children, active in the community, making uplifting videos for the public during the COVID-19 pandemic thanking healthcare workers **farting noise, jerk off motion**.

Well, I am here to tell you that those are all WRONG ANSWERS fuck that Disney Channel shit the right answer is Jay Cutler. He’s been out of the league for a few seasons after a short stint with Miami after un-retiring to fill in for an inured Ryan Tannehill. But if you’ve followed him throughout his NFL career you should know by now that he is the absolute master of not giving a flying fuck, something we could all strive for.

Aside from slinging bombs to Alshon Jeffrey and Brandon Marshall on the field, he did pretty well for himself off the field marrying Kristin Cavallari, an incredibly attractive and relatively famous reality star.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering what he did to reel in a dime like her huh? Okay I know he’s a rich and famous NFL quarterback but still. He didn’t do anything special besides propose, dump her before the wedding, get her pregnant, and then re-propose via text message and send her ring in the mail. Wow, that’s a fucking fairy tale ending if I’ve ever heard one. I’m wiping tears off my keyboard as I type this.

He’s back in the news amid stories surfacing of their divorce. According to multiple reports and on Twitter as I’m sure you’ve seen, she demanded $5 million to buy her own estate. He then proceeds to freeze his accounts so she can’t access them and apparently tells her to “get a job”.

King shit Jay. I love it. There are also reports saying that the reason she divorced him was because he was “lazy” and “unmotivated”. Well, when you break a franchise record for TD passes and excel at the highest level for 12 years making well over $100M at one of the hardest positions to play in all of sports, you kind of get the right to chill for a couple years. Slam a few beers every night, talk a little shit, walk around the house like I’m the reason we live in this nice ass mansion. Like I’m the one who paid for you to be able to start your own jewelry business. “Well she’s famous too she has her own money” they say. Alright. As a couple, they’re worth about $55 million. Jay Cutler himself is worth about $51.5 million. You do the math. He was also supposed to take an announcing gig with Fox, but that kind of fell apart after he came out of retirement to play for the Dolphins. I guess this is all what happens when you actually spend time with someone.

If you haven’t watched their reality show on Bravo, which I’m sure you haven’t, this is a sports site dammit, I did you a favor and found a clip that epitomizes how many fucks he doesn’t give on a day to day basis. It is hysterical, he is such a dick.