Folks, what’s going on. The Doctor is married. There is now a Doctoress Carv. Crazy stuff. I also just presented my capstone project so I guess I’m now Master Doctor Carv. Oh yeah. And it’s my birthday. But to be honest, it’s also draft day. The best sports day of the year where there’s not football or the masters or march madness on. We got NBA and NHL playoffs too. Wowie. Can’t wait to be an armchair GM tonight. Vontae Mack no matter what. Hopefully we see some trades but to be honest it’s gonna be great to see football highlights on the tele. Been too long (UFL doesn’t count but shoutout the Bham Stallions). Before we dive into the draft I’d like to leave you with some sage advice from our friend Trill Withers: “Money and Draft Picks are FAKE”.
1. Da Bears – Caleb Williams
I just don’t get it. Everyone loves this kid and I just think he seems like an L7 weeenieeeeee. There’s nothing he does that really wows me. But he’s like almost right on the cusp of being a beast and he’s a DC guy. If he can speed up his release and slow down how quickly he turns into a crybaby then maybe I’ll think he can be good. But until then I’m gonna have “BUST” painted on my nails. Damn Doc why’d you do him like that?
2. Commies – Jaden Daniels
This man is gonna get himself killed in the NFL but until that happens he’s gonna be fun to watch. Rocket arm and really fast but he’s built like a twig and somehow let’s himself get NFL Blitz truck sticked every game. It’ll be sweet until it’s over but it’s not gonna end well. Or maybe it will.
3. Pats – Drake Maye
I think this man trash but people love to fall in love with the prototype quarterback. You know who else is 6’6, 230, and watches a lot of tape? Me. Guess what I do. Build self storages and run this blog. Patriots gonna draft this man then fire Jerrod Mayo in 2 years.
4. Cards – Maserati Marv
I think he’s the best player in this class and that’s why he’s at the top of my big board. He’s a crisp route runner and he’s got great hands and size. Really all you could ask for. Or maybe he’ll suck.
5. Chargers – JC Latham
Joe Alt is gonna get a GM fired. Latham is the better player and the definition of a bulldozer. He mauls people in run protection and he only gave up like 1 sack last year (that could be untrue). I’ve watched all of this guy’s college tape and I think he’s sick. Future All Pro Right Tackle and will block for a 2k yard rusher one day. Or maybe he’ll suck.
6. Giants – Malik Nabers
That touchdown he got in Bryant Denny and then he hit that celebration where you like act like you’re holding a gun and twitch was so cool. He also seems like a diva. We love that. This guy will be an all pro one day. Not as good as MHJ who is going to be MVP level good as a WR but Nabers will play for a long time. Or maybe he’ll suck.
7. Vikings – Ice JJ Fish
This guy is legitimately terrible. I’m swapping the Titans and Vikings picks here because I think the Titans are in a decent spot actually and don’t need to draft this high if they don’t have to. For that reason, Kevin O’Connell is gonna be looking for a job in 2 years. Don’t hate the player, except do hate the player bc JJ is awful, hate the game.
8. Falcons – Dallas Turner
Best edge rusher in the class. Was better than Will Anderson at times. Will Anderson says he watches more film than any other player he’s ever seen. I’ve watched all this guy’s tape and he’s sick. He’s a menace off the edge and will have multiple double digit sack seasons. But he’s also an animal in run defense. He’ll lead the league in TFL’s at some point. Or maybe he won’t and he’ll get someone fired. I need the Falcons to make this pick. We going to the soupy next year if we get DT.
9. Da Bears – Brock Bowers
I haven’t been as scared of a college football player on an opposing team as I was of Brock Bowers. Everytime he motioned out against Alabama I assumed he was going to score a touchdown. And then we locked his ahh up. But that aside. He’s nasty. He’s better than Kyle Pitts was and he’s better than Gronk and Kelce as a prospect. This guy is going to make a quarterback a coach and a GM very rich for very long. Or maybe he’ll suck.
10. Jets – Joe Alt
I think he’s mid but if the titans or falcons get him then I’ll say he’s gonna be good unless he ends up being like really really bad. Notre Dame just kinda stinks man. I’m anti them and I have a hard time thinking this guy is gonna be good but who knows. Not me.
11. Titans – Olu Fashanu
Cool name. Big guy. Good tape. This is a home run to me. It’s going to be weird watching him block for someone not named Ryan Tannehill or Derrick Henry, but the titans should be decent at least. Great wr’s. He should keep Levis clean. Or maybe he’ll get him killed.
12. Broncos – Michael Penix
Weird name but rocket arm and touched by the devil (lefty). The broncos move on from Russell Wilson to younger Russel Wilson with a sleeve. I’m just glad Jerry Jeudy got up outta there and away from Scumbag Sean. I like Penix but unfortunately I will be praying on his downfall.
13. Rrrrrrrraidas – Bo Pix
Antonio Pierce YOU will be filing for unemployment this time next year. As will your GM and your entire staff of assistants. Mark Davis who owns the team should be fired if they make this pick. Honestly whatever team drafts Bo Nix should immediately be forced to move the team to Austin. Would be hilarious and stupid so it will probably happen. Remember when they beat the Chargers by 60 though?
14. Saints – Laiatu Latu
I think Cam Latu’s brother? Regardless he is my enemy now. Would be hilarious if somehow he had to move to New Orleans and had a shellfish allergy. Not that I wish that on anyone but would be funny. As long as he doesn’t like die. Bc that would be bad.
15. Colts – Cooper Dejean
Gooble Gobble One of Us. Very rare. This guy is a junkyard dawg who can run really fast. I think he could be replacing Mr. Seaborn in our lore. Be ready for an uncle to tell you they like Cooper Dejean “because he plays the game the right way” at Thanksgiving just to make everything really uncomfortable. Make sure you answer by telling him your favorite player in the league is Sauce. This is kind of a come up though. This pick also makes sense.
16. Seahawks – Terrion Arnold
LAAAAAAAAANK. Terrion is so good. He’s long, he’s a ballhawk, he’s best friends with Miss Terry, I wish he was my best friend, and he’s fast. He’s the perfect cornerback except for that like two plays every game he can be ass and he gets really unlucky. He’ll play in the league for a while though. Just needs to beef up and he’s gonna have a long career.
17. Jaguars – Kool Aid
Kool Aid gonna be a real baller in my opinion. The other two DB’s above him have been getting a lot of attention, but Kool Aid is just rock solid steady on the flat. You can’t really throw at him and he’ll make you pay if he gets the ball in his hands. He also is a great tacklet. And his name is Kool Aid. That rocks.
18. Bengals – Amarius Mims
They gotta keep Joey B healthy and Mims is a brick shithouse that can step right in for Jonah Williams. Go ahead and write this one down in pen.
19. Rams – Jared Verse
I love this guy. He got interviewed on Andy Staples show and I was like man this guy seems cool. Started his career at Albany and ended it in the CFP. Oh wait. No he didn’t. LANK
20. Stillers – Graham Barton
Gonna be honest I’m copying this pick from my friends at WalterFootball. I never heard of this cat in my life.
21. Dolphins – Byron Murphy II
Dolphins need someone to pair with our guy RGlizzy aka Raekwon Davis in the middle of their DL and Murphy is a monster. Week after week he destroyed offensive lines. People are saying he’s the reason why Seth McSucklin had the snapping yips all season after the Texas game.
22. Eagles – Quinyon Mitchell
Imma keep it real. I don’t really watch much Toledo football unless they’re playing the Wednesday night MACtion game. But everybody seems to love this guy and the Eagles secondary looked like me and Ders were lining up on the perimeter for them every week. Swiss cheese. Quinyon should be an upgrade. But he potentially could suck.
23. Cards – Jordan Morgan
Another offensive tackle who I have never seen play football before. At least this guy who went to Arizona now just gets to stay in Arizona. That’s kinda neat.
24. Cowgirls – Troy Fautanu
Washington OT. This dude was a key piece of the Joe Moore winning Washington OL last season. Dallas gotta replace Tyron Smith. This could be a plug and play pick and hopefully will be not good enough to make the cowboys relevant.
25. Packers – Tyler Guyton
Alright another OT I have never watched. I’m stealing picks right now but there’s just a lotta dudes out there. I know Bakhtiari retired and they gotta protect our guy Jordan Love. The ball explodes out of his hands. Anyway. They’re picking a tackle.
26. Tampa – Chop Robinson
A name like Chop just belongs in Tampa. I think my man is gonna have a long tenure in the Bay and in my opinion he’s the second best edge in this class besides our guy Dallas Turner. Hopefully the Falcons can block him and keep him away from Kirko.
27. Cards – Darius Robinson
This seems to be a consensus pick but also how tf do the Cardinals have 3 first rounders? What a poverty franchise. Spend some money or trade some of these things good lord what are y’all doing fr.
28. Bills – Rome Odunze
Tbh this is probably going to be Brian Thomas or someone like that but I forgot to draft Odunze earlier so congratulations to him. Get ready to learn Buffalo Wings. Odunze is a fantastic player and he’s going to be a great WR in the league. Brian Thomas will be great in Buffalo. Kinda crazy LSU had 3 first round picks and Harold Perkins yet they sucked super hard last year.
29. Lions – T’Vondre Sweat
a. The Lions were a couple fluke plays away from the Super Bowl last year, and their in a good spot to go best available. I like Sweat a lot. He’s a great athlete at his size and I think he could wind up being a Dalvin Tomlinson like guy where he just plays forever and bounces around from DL to DL. This a good pick.
30. Ravens – Nate Wiggins
a. Everybody saying Kool Aid is the pick here but my brother in Christ Kool Aid is going to Seattle. Wiggins is the only 1st round corner left really and I’d be shocked if the Ravens didn’t shore up their secondary. Either do that or get Lamar some more weapons.
31. Niners – Adonai Mitchell
a. Gotta replace Aiyuk and this dude can freaking play. He torched Bama which as we have seen had two 1stround corners as starters along with that benedict Arnold caleb downs. Mitchell is going to be a fantasy sleeper and I could see him being a real contributor for the 2nd best team in the league.
32. Chiefs – Keon Coleman
a. Kinda scary. This dude is an animal and now he gets to play with the best quarterback of all time. We got no clue what’s gonna happen with Rashee Rice. MVS is not back in KC I don’t think. Kadarius Toney is honestly more guilty than Rashee Rice is of being a menace to society. Coleman should slot in perfectly and in my opinion I know it’s first round but this could be the steal of the draft. Definitely of the first round.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. Rtr