Full disclosure I am on an absolute heater. A burner. I’m JR Smith after making his first shot in a Tuesday night 10:30 tip off in Sacramento. I’m John Petty vs LSU. Like Denzel Washington I am man on fire. But you know what they say about rivalry week. Throw the record books out. What you’ve done up to now doesn’t matter. The real one game season starts today. The one day every team actually cares about. With the exception of about 7 teams, winning today is all college football programs care about. Get up and eat your thanksgiving leftover biscuit. Throw on gameday and cry not because the story is sad but because Tom Rinaldi works at Fox and isn’t on gameday to make you sad anymore. Put your jeans and boots on. Jump in the —— wait? What’s that noise? Oh god. It’s so clear now. You hear it now, emanating from Tuscaloosa as the fellas get on the bus. A metallic, feminine voice echoing across the country says “This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the Annual Purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government. Weapons of class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Purge. All other weapons are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the Purge and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning until 7 a.m., when The Purge concludes. Blessed be our New Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn. May God be with you all” 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨😈

LOCKS

MICHIGAN VS OHIO STATE UNDER 64.5

These teams HATE eachother. People always in school always in the barbershop talmbout this rivalry is more intense than the Iron Bowl. Idk ab that. But they really don’t like eachother I do know that. Expect the defenses to show up and show out. CJ Stroud can’t play any better than he did last weekend against Michigan State nor is Michigan’s pass defense as incompetent as Michigan State’s. Expect this one to be close and come down to the wire. Under 64.5 but it’s gonna be tight.

FIU +13.5 VS SOUTHERN MISS

You can throw out the record book when these teams get together. Good old fashioned hate. The biggest rivalry since the Civil COnFLict. Panthers keep it close against the golden eagles. Lock it up.

HAWAII +10.5 VS WYOMING

The rainbow warriors leave the island to take on the buffaloes in Laramie. May as well throw the word road in there between rainbow and warriors. Hawaii is fighting for their bowl eligibility today and that makes you think they’re gonna keep it close. Hawaii +10.5 is a lock and sprinkle some ML too. Also, you ever met someone from Wyoming that doesn’t love thanksgiving? Think about the Turkey hangover they’re gonna have. Meanwhile they don’t speak English in Hawaii so I feel like they don’t do thanksgiving either. 🌈🏳️‍🌈🌈🏳️‍🌈🌈🏳️‍🌈🌈

DOCTOR’S ON A HEATER TEASER

Pour one out for the final teaser of the CFB regular season. Big sad big sad big sad. I think one of these has won this season and this one is going to also. Trust the process. They’re all system plays (I don’t have any systems).

MICHIGAN +14 vs OHIO STATE

Rivalry week. Wolverines. Book it.

UGA VS GA TECH OVER 48

UGA gonna cover this all by their lonesome. Easy cheesy

HAWAII +17 VS WYOMING

We all know I love this bet. Krakatoa. Hawaii gonna make a bowl game today.

TENNESSEE -25 VS VANDY

Brick by brick baby. Let Joe Milton play and Tennessee covers this in the first quarter. With Hooker they still cover it by the half and hold steady. Vandy the worst team in the country. VFL. Feels like 98.

OKLAHOMA STATE +2 VS OKLAHOMA

Get the cannon shooting. Cowboys by a billion. Spencer Rattler? Caleb Williams? Nope. Mike MF Gundy. He’s a man. He’s 40. He’s not losing by more than 2. Better chance of Justin Blackmon driving sober than there is of Oklahoma busting this. Go pokes.

BAMA -14 VS AUBRIN

Let’s start this off with the obvious. Aubrin is poopoo. Furthermore Jordan Hare is a dump. Furthermore Brian Harsin is one foot out the door on his way to Washington. Furthermore the AD is leaving too. Auburns focus isn’t on this game. Also did you watch Nick Saban’s press conference this week? How is Alabama not going to cover. Tide on Top. Road to 19 plows ahead. Can you hear the sirens?

Let’s get funky. FLC. Let’s win some Christmas money.