If you are reading this article, thank you and you’re welcome. This is the most complete guide to the upcoming SEC Football season that you will ever need. Move over Phil Steele, The Intramural Report is the new College Football Bible and we are here to stay. Let’s get started.
SEC East
Vanderbilt (3-9)
Spoiler alert, the nerds that don’t care about football are not good at football, and this season will continue to prove it. It’s a shame for Clark Lea. I’d say the man would be so frustrated that he would be pulling all his hair out this season but he is busy auditioning to be the next Mr. Clean. Hey Vandy, how about you start giving a damn and invest into one of the largest money making companies in the world, the SEC. Goddamn Nerds.
South Carolina (7-5)
Imagine the scene, a hot Saturday afternoon in Columbia, South Carolina. You just walked 15 miles from campus to the stadium, hung out in a parking lot all day, got piss drunk on natural light with some chick that keeps saying how much she loves cocks (original)…and then you hear it. The first 5 notes to Sandstorm. Your towel starts to magically twirl in the air on beat, as if it has a mind of its own. The air thickens with hot greasy armpits quickly wafted away by the breeze of 20,000 towels. The intensity increase. The stadium grows a heart beat. You’re blood pressure rises, the lights are swirling, you enter a cock infused haze of passion and desire, Steven Garcia appears on the Jumbo tron for the 30th straight season, and it grows and grows and grows. It’s one of the great traditions in College Football. An absolutely electrifying USC stadium for kick off quickly followed by a better opponent shoving their foots down your throat and your down 24-7 by the end of the first. Spencer Rattler though, you know that name.
Florida (6-6)
Starting the season off losing to Utah can and will quickly send this team into a hard downward spiral. But you know, Anthony Richardson is a freak athlete. He’ll be a steady 12 for 30 with 72 yards, 25 rushing yards 3 Int kinda player, but man, he can do backflips. Who cares about success and holding back tears of frustration due to increidble lack of ability to recruit when you have a quarterback you can nickname after a gun? Not the gator fans, they’re fine. They’re known for being patient, reasonable, and smart. It’s all fine.
Kentucky (9-3)
They will win every game they are favored and lose every game they are underdogs. So much fun.
Tennessee (8-4)
The season hinges on their first game vs Pitt. A bad start could spiral this team and this is thier shot to show everyone that Hooker is a legitaimte big time quarterback and this team can play. Shortly after that is the most important game of the season, Florida. That game will really decide if this team is a legitimate team or not. Then Kentucky, the biggest game of the season, will we finally see if Tennessee is over the hump? And can’t forget about South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, all real tests to see if Tennessee is finally back or not. Pretty simple really.
Georgia (11-1)
Frankly this season should be a cake walk to the SEC championship for the dawgs with the type of talent they have, but one thing is for certain, it is impossible to go back to back undefeated SEC regular seasons. Where they will fall I surely don’t know but fall they will.
Missouri (3-9)
You’re not reading this anyway because who cares about Missouri.
SEC West
Arkansas (10-2)
Is Sam Pittman the true embodiment of Arkansas football? It feels like Arkansas is close to being back to their ways of the mid 2000’s of hard nose running game, big offensive line, and a hard hitting defense. I expect a lot of unders hitting for the Hogs this year but I don’t expect them to move back with an experience quarterback in KJ Jefferson coming back. They lose their key WR Burks but have the one of the deepest RB rooms in Rocket Sanders and Dominique Johnson. I expect a loss to the Tide and if they can get past a depleted Cincinnati to start off the season I expect a strong year.
Texas A&M (8-4)
A&M is catching a lot of momentum to be a dark horse in this years playoff race. But Jimbo has yet to give us a reason to believe he has any kind of philosophy change to get passed 8-4. Some are calling him Jimgus Fishzahn, and i think that is a much more beautiful and kinder nickname than anything id like to call him.
Ole Miss (9-3)
Jaxson Dart, a young, plucky, confident, swashbuckler of a quarterback is the starter at ole miss. Sounds familiar. More important sounds like exactly what Lane Kiffin wants, a younger version of himself. Lane’s ”Come to the Sip” montra lead him to one of the top 3 transfer classes in the country this year to make sure that they continue to march at the same pace.
Mississippi State (4-8)
The time soon will come for Mississippi State fans to have to make a tough decision. Mike Leach is funny, strange, and a loving character to have on the sideline, and 4 games out of the year your offense looks unstoppable, but is he going to produce teams that can compete in the sec west? Likely not. And the fans will have to come to that decision soon.
LSU (7-5)
A team with little identity but the most transfers in the country. A real test against a bad Florida State team thats is sold out can predict a lot about whether this team can hold its own or fall behind fast this season in a very contentious SEC season.
Auburn (4-8)
Someone has to be the worst team SEC West, should probably be the team with TJ Finley as the starting quarterback and a head coach that the university desperately wants to fire.
Alabama (12-0)
Tide by 90