Friends, family, haters, welcome back to the world that we all used to know and love. Sports are back and if you clicked on this link, I’m assuming for you Sports gambling is also back. Real Sports gambling. No more throwing down money on ping-pong matches or Korean baseball, real gambling that we can love and endure and hate and die with. The bane of our existence is also what gives us that adrenaline rush to make it through another Monday of work. We all know we don’t need it, we all know our lives would probably be better without it. But today is not the day I cash out (or more likely pay out) for the last time.
This past week my nerves got the best of me so much that I did the gambling equivalent of diving head first into the shallow end of the sports betting pool. And I’m sure I’m not alone. So if you have also had a rough go of it, here’s the steps we will all go through and how we will make it to the other side.
1. Gambling is the best, just a little here and there to make it more exciting.
Internal voice *of course it is, nothing harmful just to make my evenings a little better*
2. Rational Thinking
*Well these teams haven’t played in a while, surely they’ll be rusty and probably unders will hit more often than not*
3. Irrational Thinking
*Sports haven’t been on in forever, no chance I’m going to be THAT guy pulling for the under!! I need fireworks, I need points, explosive offense, I need that rush*
4. Locking in Irrational Thinking Bets
*Over is a lock, you saved up money by not gambling. Push the pile*
5. Irrational thinking Bet loses
*What the hell was I thinking. Of course the under was going to hit. I’m an idiot. Won’t do that again*
6. Repeat steps 2-5 multiple times
Depending on the severity of the healthy addiction
7. Finally come back around to rational betting
*fine, I’ll give in, I’ll take the under*
8. Irrational Bets win
*I hate my life*
9. Severe cold streak
*It can’t be like this forever, this will get better*
10. Friends make fun of you
*Yo Coach, what’re you betting tonight? I gotta know so I can take the opposite*
11. Friends fading you works
*I hate my life*
12. One big bet to dig you out of the hole; doesn’t hit
*I hate my life*
13. Stop for a day
*sulk*
14. One bet the next day; loses
*I hate my life*
15. Give up for at least one more day. Consider stopping forever
*I hate my life*
16. Weekend rolls around
*Still hate my life*
17. Hear someone on the tv mention three teams that should cover
*Probably won’t hit. Nothing ever does*
18. Think maybe he knows more than I do
*Maybe I’ll throw down a small parlay, see what happens*
19. Puts in parlay, thinks you won’t watch the games.
20. First game hits
*….no way*
21. Second game hits
*….oh my god it’s happening*
22. Third game comes down to the wire
*Save me jesus, Save me allah, Save me Jewish God, Save me Tom Cruise”
23. Third game hits, Parlay hits
*FUCK YEAH, I’M THE GREATEST GAMBLER ALIVE. NOTHING CAN STOP ME*
24. Return to Step 1